But before I tell you how that vulgar creature became buddies with my bronzer, I must inform you that I have acquired a project. Now, I must admit this project by no means is your typical arts and craft session. This is a monumental project that will and HAS required a thick skin, lots of Redbull and frequent trips to the Liquor store for adult beverages. And judging by the last few days, I think a combination of the two liquids may produce much faster and happier results.
Yes, Chris and I have acquired a home.
Although, at it's present state it's more likely to be confused with a Fraternity house in the middle-of-nowhere, Keene, New Hampshire, it is indeed OUR home and has GREAT potential. It just needs a little work..well...a lot of work. But it's ok because we have a house; a house that we will someday call home. And because I love to write, I would like to share this journey of remodeling 731 James with y'all.
Why?
Because, in the past few days I have felt like a bi-polar WRECK of a woman and I have acquired a great deal of wisdom along the way. Along with very little sleep...But that's besides the point. And I urge you to read the following with DISCRETION for a majority, if not all of it, is TRUE.
Tips for the Wise #1: Do not forget about present living conditions while rebuilding new living conditions.
After a long night of clean up, a shower is a necessity. And I repeat, a necessity. Let's just say, that the current state of the new home is less than desirable. In fact, the past owners lived in conditions where roaches were not only their roommates, but the kind of roommates that eat your food when you are not home, and burrow in your trash. SO, I am sure you can imagine the REST of the house and why a shower in bleach would be needed. BUT, when you forget to pay the water bill at the current abode to which you reside, well, you live with the fact that you are going to be marinating in bug juice for the night.
Frustration I admit, wasn't far off the map as I took off my clothes marched my happy ass to the washer and turned on the water to no avail...(This is why Liquor Stores may or may not have my bottles waiting for me as I enter the store and hear that oh-so-lovely DING I'M ABOUT TO GET YOU DRUNK DING that sings from the door upon opening.)
So this is where the roach in my makeup bag part of the story comes in. Sadly and (angrily) I look at him, "Chris what are we going to do about showers in the morning." Silence from him, heavy sighs from me ensue. "I guess we can go to the new house." he mutters somewhat defeated. Although I realize that this is a reasonable solution that I too, had thought of as I heated up our leftover lasagna, I cringed. The roaches...the dirt...the ewww. But, remodeling a home is indeed a journey and I realized I needed to roll with the punches. However gross they may be.
So upon that annoying ring of the alarm, we awoke and packed up to go shower before work. I, of course, was a bitter bitch and again reminded Chris that I counted on him to pay the utilities. Bless his heart, he said nothing and apologized. Stubboringly, I got into the shower (with flip-flops) and instantly started to unwind. I swear by everything HOLY, that a shower can heal the ills of the world. But as I got out of the 70's green tub, and started getting ready for work, a few roaches began creeping around my stuff and my makeup bag, which I thought was rather rude. "THIS IS OUR HOME NOW, SIR", I thought as I squished him with a paper towel and flushed him down the toilet (curling iron in hand).
Moral of story: Pay your utilities or you will have unexpected guest rummaging through your shit.
Tips for the Wise #2: If you need to punish someone, make them strip wallpaper.
Oh the agony of stripping wallpaper. Such a bittersweet-hate-your-life-kinda job. Sometimes you get a piece that comes off like butter and other times you get a piece you scrap for hours. The big pieces, let me tell you, almost like sex...simply amazing. The small pieces that refuse to come off the 70's wood paneling? Well they present themselves like a fricken ingrown hair that REFUSES to emerge.
Moral of the story: There are means to torture without inflicting actual pain.
So there...my two tips for the day...
As our journey continues, please feel free to visit this page from time to time. This is a blog where I will not hold back, probably swear a few times, and laugh through the tears. But I know, it will be worth it. The hard stuff always is...
BUT IN THE MEAN TIME:
No comments:
Post a Comment